i keep scratching at the pages telling myself i live much like a king, in some life given to me in a divine, cosmic manner. with provision and generous blessing i still scratch and hold the scabs more precious, trying to convince myself to keep looking for something more meaningful with no reason other than to find the way to symbolize something bigger than “self” but still more tangible than “God”. to simply create a word for the opposite of self, in a language that has none. and in this agnostic state discovering self becomes equally important to defining the opposite. the satisfaction of even this is enough for most to stop on the first page: self consumption. the page that society is at and that religion tries to reject. but if you reject it, the materialism, and you also ignore God, then this page has to be rewritten, constantly. that process leaves one with only a faint idea of what self is and an even more faint idea of its opposite: giving.

I have to wonder if the idea of God doesn’t mask this the most spiritual of actions, with equal venom of materialism and self consumption. It’s as if self consumption and God are equal extremes. One defining identity in possession and the other in grouping instincts, both keeping us from finding a need to create an english word for the opposite of self.

p.s.: does anyone know of a word in any other language that equals the opposite of self or self-consumption? please let me know.